How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
