wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
