Define "chronic" masturbator.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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