cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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