angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize