I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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