i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
