The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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