I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
