I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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