He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
