remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
