theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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