Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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