I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
