He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
