I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
