I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize