I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
