She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she peed on how many people?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
