Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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