i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
