Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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