So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
