I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
