We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
