You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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