Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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