she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
