All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
