i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
