Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
