If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
