whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
