it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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