i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
