You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
