We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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