Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
