we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
