The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
