Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
