Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
