Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
