You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
