There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
