there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
