K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
