My sheets look like a crime scene.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
