Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
