dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
