Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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