woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize