Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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