I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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