Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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