LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
