He had one of those small greek statue penises
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
