I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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