I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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