are you still at the devil's house?
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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