He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
