our cab driver is having phone sex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize