Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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