someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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