it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
