and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
