ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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