Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
