so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
