I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
