well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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