I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Never underestimate the power of titties
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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