Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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