tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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