I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
