Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
high people should be assigned attendants
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
