Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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